


I see (the fire in your eyes)

by Iadysansa



Series: I will not ask you were you came from (I will not ask and neither should you) [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, M/M, a lot of unrequited love, idek man
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iadysansa/pseuds/Iadysansa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She asks him to accompany her to the balcony, to get some fresh air, she says; and the lie masks something she refuses to say out loud (I do not want to watch the man I love fawning over someone else, her eyes scream) it is not necessary for her to say the words, he knows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ( higher and higher )

**Author's Note:**

> I did not intend to post this so soon but man I am anxious and I need validation to motivate me to write more because I suck.

It takes a few minutes of mindless spinning before they exchange words and when they do it is so humdrum she can almost forget her life was completely changed only a moment ago. He initiates the conversation, just like he initiated the dance.  
“John Laurens” he says, plainly, as if to fill a silence that exists only in his mind.  
“Angelica Schuyler” And before she can think about it she adds in a whisper “Where’s your family from?”  
She half expects him to tell her how unimportant that is, how there’s a million things he has not yet done but she gets a muttered “South Carolina” instead, and it hits her in the face like a slap, the cold reminder that Alexander is not the man she is dancing with. John is taller, his eyes are rounder and his nose is covered in freckles that look like the stars in the sky; she almost wants to touch them, it is not the fact that it is improper what stops her (that has never stopped her before) but the fact that those freckles are no more than a reminder that he is not her Alexander. No, not hers, he was never hers; just Alexander.  
  
-  
  
Angelica asks him to accompany her to the balcony, to get some fresh air, she says; and the lie masks something she refuses to say out loud (I do not want to watch the man I love fawning over someone else, her eyes scream) it is not necessary for her to say the words, he knows. John accepts all too quickly and when he looks into her eyes he sees that she knows as well.  
  
-  
  
Her shoulders relax the second she places a foot outside and she lets go of the breath she had been holding. She sits in the balustrade, swinging her feet in the air. John places his elbows next to her and she does not wait for him to initiate the conversation this time.  
They end up talking for hours in the balcony, about anything but the people they left behind in the other room. They fall automatically into a pace, as if they had done it thousands of times before.  
  
-  
  
There’s something familiar about her and John can’t place what it is.  
He is listening to her talk passionately about women’s rights, when his brain draws the first connection. Her eyes look absent and she is moving her hands just as fast as she is moving her mouth and she shines so bright it makes him wonder how he could not see it before.  
  
-  
  
She talks for what seems like hours, and John listens. Rather than talk over her the way Alexander did, he remains silent, studying her face.  
The conversation is a dance and a duel both at once. She aims her weapon at him and shoots repeatedly; her shots reach every part of his body. His technique is different; he waits, pauses for long moments, lets her charge against him and speaks only when he has the perfect argument to destroy the castles she was building with her words with only one blow, just like the wolf in the story her mother would tell her, Peggy and Eliza at night.  
She wonders why she’d thought a man who could keep up with Alexander would not be able to keep up with her.  
  
-  
  
She is so much like Alexander and so much not like him at the same time that it feels almost contradictory. Alexander says out loud every thought that is on his head, and you can tell by the way he talks that he is a man with nothing to lose. Angelica’s thoughts are more carefully articulated, as if she had been thinking about them for a long time. They leave her mouth one after the other, so fast that John struggles to keep up. There is something else in her too, a light in her eyes that tells him that there’s something she is not saying, an ace hidden in her sleeve that she is waiting to reveal.  
He lets her do most of the talking in the end.  
  
-  
  
Peggy comes looking for her and the expression in her eyes goes from worry to fondness when she sees her sitting in the balustrade, her sleeves half rolled up and feet kicking in the air. Their carriage is awaiting to take them back home, she tells her older sister.  
It surprises her at first, the fact that she does not want to go, the fact that she would spend the whole night talking to the man who is no longer a stranger to her if she was given the chance. He offers her his hand to help her climb off her sitting spot and he kisses it before letting go.  
She does not know why it makes her blush.  
  
-  
  
“May I write to you?”  
The words leave his mouth before he has time to think about them carefully, and part of him wishes he had not acted on the impulse this one time.  
“You do not know my address” is her answer, and it would be a perfect excuse to take back his offer and let go of the woman with the engaging eyes for good. The letters would not last anyway, he was not as skilled at writing as Alexander, his penmanship was poor and he often forgot to write back; besides, he was far better at conversing in person.  
In the end he says “I will manage” and the corners of her mouth move slightly upwards before she says “Okay.”  
  
-  
  
Peggy looks scandalized but she waits until the three of them are safely locked into Eliza’s room before announcing, starry eyed “Angelica is in looooove. She snuck out with John Laurens, no less”. Eliza, who had not stopped talking about Alexander’s enchanting eyes for a second looks at Angelica, perplexed. “How come you did not mention that in the way home?”  
“Because I am not” She says, plainly. It is only half a lie that way. She is in love, just not with the man they think she is.  
“Do not listen to her. I saw it with my own eyes. He kissed her hand and she looked redder than her gown.” Peggy adds, excitedly, and with that the conversation goes on about Angelica’s love life. She is glad that at least she can see an end to Eliza’s endless ranting about the perfection of Alexander Hamilton.  
  
-  
  
They are back in the room they have been sharing. They are both writing when in a moment of boldness John asks him “Do you happen to know the address to the Schuyler residence?” Alex turns away from his writing, surprised. “I do, what do you want it for?” He asks, curiosity in his voice.  
“I intend to write a letter to Angelica Schuyler”. He says and his expression turns smug when Alex’s turns into a grimace.  
When he tries to come into his bed that night John turns his back on him.


	2. ( for years or for hours )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John tells her about his views on slavery and when she shows interest he sends her his copy of “The Just Limitations of Slavery”. She replies by sending him “Letters on Women's Rights”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this my writing's version of disney's experimental era.

Angelica knows Alexander is capable of anything that will get him to the place he wants to be. No matter how much he proclaims his love for her in the letter Eliza craddles gently against her chest, Angelica knows that he would sacrifice and sideline Eliza one hundred times over if it meant his legacy would get to live on.

And she wants to tell her that while she braids he hair. No matter how much she loves Alexander, how much she yearns for him, for her it will always be Eliza. The person she loves the most will always be Eliza. There is no dice to be rolled, no decision to be made. She had chosen her sister a long time ago.

 It may hurt her, the perspective of keeping Alexander close but not close enough for the rest of her life, but it’s a pain that she can gladly live with if it involves her sister’s happiness.

She wants to tell her all that, but she mutters instead “Be careful with that one, love, he will do what it takes to survive”.

 

-

 

He does not know when it became a competition, how much time the two of them can spend writing to the Schuyler sisters. John writes more in a week that he had in his entire lifetime.

It is clear that he has won when receives twice as many letters as Alex and when the ones he receives are almost thrice as long. (Betsey is much more eloquent with feelings that she is with words, explains Angelica in one of her papers.)

John tells her about his views on slavery and when she shows interest he sends her his copy of _The Just Limitations of Slavery_. She replies by sending him _Letters on Women's Rights_. He is half an advocate now.

She is by far the most eloquent person he has ever had the pleasure to talk to and when he finds himself still writing to her in the late hours of the night when Alexander has long ago blown his candle and gone to sleep it does not surprise him at all.

 

-

 

The letters her sister receives are full of empty lines about eternal love and devotion. Hers, on the other hand are full of _revolution_.

 

**revolution**

  _noun -_   rev·o·lu·tion - \ˌre-və-ˈlü-shən \

  1. a sudden, complete or marked change in something.



 

He is what she had been looking for in the streets of New York, a mind at work and in a way he marks the beginning of her inner revolution. Angelica discovers herself, discovers her ideas are worthy of being listened to and discussed, she writes tens of pages about women’s education, and he replies with the same amount of ink about abolitionism and at some point she discovers that learning and teaching are not mutually exclusive.

He does not think of her as intense or insane, he thinks of her as an equal. She had been longing for that for far longer that she had been longing for Alexander.

 

-

 

His correspondence bothers Alexander immensely and John is delighted.

His comments on the subject start as subtle lines dropped in the middle of their conversations (or at least what can be considered subtle for Alexander Hamilton) that John does not dignify with a response.

“Something has clearly sparked your interest for writing these days, has it not, dear Laurens?”

 “I can see you are practicing your penmanship again, my friend”.

With time it becomes more and more evident how much unpleased Alexander is about his almost-lover’s new correspondent and John does not know what to make of it. (It is also unknown to him whether he is jealous of him or of Angelica but he suspects that it is a little bit of both).

One day he asks, out of the blue “What are really your intentions with Miss Schuyler?” No “dear Laurens” or “my friend” in the end to sweeten his words. It would pain John if he was not so satisfied.

“I mean to marry her”. He says, and he does not know if it is a lie or a truth but when he sees Alexander go completely red and grit his teeth he knows it was the right answer.

 

-

 

In his second visit to Albany he asks her to marry him (asks her, not her father and that fact alone is enough for her to say yes).

They are strolling through the gardens, she has her hand in his arm and it startles her when he stops walking completely. He looks at her dead in the eye and opens and closes his mouth several times before he finally decides to speak.

“I know the proper thing for a man in my situation would be to ask for your father’s permission before I do this but you have taught me enough about your own independence for me to not do that. It is not your father I intend to marry, it is not his consent what matters, not to me. Even though if you agree to my proposal I will gladly ask for his blessing if that would please you.”

She is petrified, unable to mutter a response and he takes it as prompting to continue speaking.

“I cannot and will not give you empty promises about the eternity of the flame of my love for you but I can and I will promise you that I will treat you with the respect you are worthy of and I will never force to do anything against your will. I have land that should be yours as it is mine, troops under my command who will fight to ensure your safety and money to my name that will be yours to take should anything happen to me during the war. I can offer to treat you as the equal you have shown yourself to be… ”

“Yes”. She smiles and stops him before he says anything else because she may not be in love with him, but she is at least part in love with how he makes her feel. Like an equal. She has a revelation then.

 

**revelation**

_noun_   -  rev·e·la·tion  - \ˌre-və-ˈlā-shən\

  1. an act of making something known : an act of revealing something in usually a surprising way



 

She _is_ his equal. And she is to spend the rest of her days with someone who will treat her as such.

 

It may be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I hope you enjoyed it, and would trad my life for a comment.  
> You can find me at angelicashuylerrs.tumblr.com (that's a hamilton sideblog though) but I will probably create a writing blog soon.  
> I will keep you updated.


	3. ( from this day forward )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She corners him in the garden before he can leave the house while Alex and Eliza say their goodbyes to each other. She pins him against a wall, with a strength surprising for a woman so small and points her finger directly at his chest.

John and Alexander ask for both of General Schuyler’s daughter’s hands on the same day and both are met with the same response: a hand on the shoulder and a “be true” that sounds more like a threat than a commandment. Expectedly, he is partial to John’s proposal. It is easier to give your daughter away to a man from a fairly important family than to an immigrant with nothing to his name, or so John supposes.

They stay for supper, Alexander and Eliza sit together and every soft touch of their hands stings John like knife to his heart. Angelica sees it (he is starting to think that nothing can escape the eyes of his bride-to-be) and joins her hand with his under the table, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb in feather-like touches.

It had been so long since the last time someone had touched him with such care that he had completely forgotten what that kind of intimacy felt like. There was no gentleness between him and Alex, only heat and hands frantically tracing every inch of their bodies, lips and teeth and pulls of the hair. There is no room for gentleness in a love like that. Forbidden love can never be gentle, it can only be a flame, a forest fire consuming the trees and the ground until nothing ever grows there again.

Her touch makes a flower emerge from the ashes.

-

She corners him in the garden before he can leave the house while Alex and Eliza say their goodbyes to each other. She pins him against a wall, with a strength surprising for a woman so small and points her finger directly at his chest. She repeats the gesture a few times before speaking with a voice so stern it reminds John of the General himself.

"Are you aware of what the consecuences of marrying me will be?" She looks like an ancient goddess, unreachable in her ire, as if she was announcing it was his time to die rather than talking about the prospect of their marriage. "If you wed me Alexander will become your brother-in-law, family, kin. He will be a continuous presence in our lives. You will wine with him, dine with him, you will see him in his house and in your own. Every time you turn you will see him staring at my sister as if she hung the stars in the sky". She was banging her fists against his chest so hard that it would leave bruises on him ."I am to suffer that fate regardless, but you do not have to, you have the chance to go back to South Carolina, never see him again and redo your life as you please. " Tears were welling in her eyes, as if talking about it had made the idea real all of sudden, but she did not stop talking for a second. "I will only ask you one more time, knowing all of that, do you really wish to marry me?"

She takes a breath then, deep and slow and looks at him with a look in her eyes that seems like passion, anger and desperation all at once. She rests her forehead against his chest and she looks vulnerable, defeated. It is such a polar opposite of the Angelica he had seen before that he does not know what to say. It works a reminder of how little they truly know each other.

Unable to find something to say he grabs her fists with one of his hands and wipes her tears with the other. She looks up at him then, her determination back in her eyes. He keeps his hand on her face when she takes a small step back.

"I would not have asked you to marry me if I had not thought it through". The lie is so clear in his eyes that there is no way it can escape her and he congratulates himself for starting his marriage with a solid foundation.

-

Angelica is not yet done breaking her fast when Alexander walks into the room, handing her John's morning gift; a pendant, predictably. She hands him her own present for her groom in return; a shirt, predictably as well (a little less so taking into account that Eliza had been the one to sew it but that was a secret only the sisters would know). He flashes her a smile before he leaves that makes her reconsider every decision that got her to this point.

Her dress is white, her hair is held up by beautiful pins and she wears John's pendant around her neck. The wedding takes place in her house, now filled Laurens who stare at her with eyes full of judgement. Alexander stands there too and she does not let herself daydream about him being her groom.

John takes her hands in his and promises to love her and cherish her and she almost laughs because it had been only a few months prior when he had said that he could not promise any of those things to her. Angelica promises subjection and obedience in return and she tightens her hands so much against his that he has to stroke the back of hers with his thumb to get her to loose the presure. She remembers him saying that he would not ask those things of her.

_Raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away_

She mourns for a few minutes the loss of her liberty, for no matter how much her husband says that she may do as she pleases her liberty is now something he can give or take rather than something that truly belongs to her.

Their lips brush and it gives her hope that they can build something together.

-

She avoids Alexander through all the feast, and it is only when she has already danced with all of the male members of her family and John's that can stand on their feet that she grants him a dance. There is no reprise of her previous encounter, no magical connection, no Ben Franklin with a key and a kite moment and she starts to think that her decision might not be the worst she could have taken.

When the music is about to cease he leans into her and whispers "It could have been us". She digs her nails into the skin of his hand hoping to make him bleed.

 

-

A room had been prepared for them to begin their married life in the house. He closes the door and moves towards her, cradles her face with his hands and brushes his thumbs over her cheeks. "I will not force you to do anything you do not want to do" is all he says before turning around and moving to the other side of the room to undress. She stands, frozen in the spot where he left her. She tries to imitate him but she can't reach the lace tying her corset together. She calls for him, ashamed by the need to ask her husband to do something he should be doing voluntarily out of his own lust.

"John, I need you to unlace my corset for me".

He walks up to her immediately, half naked and looking almost embarrassed and she turns around for him to have a better access as he mutters "Of course, sorry" under his breath. His fingers start working their path down her back, he works slowly and softly and his fingers give her goosebumps every time they touch an inch of her skin, she is almost shuddering; aching for _more_ (more contact, more intimacy, more love). He puts his hands in her shoulders to help the dress slip off her and she steps out of it, turning around to  face him. And then it occurs to her that his disinterest in undressing her may be caused by a lack of desire rather than a respect for her wishes and she is overcome with a need to cover herself.

Their faces are separated only by a few inches, close enough that she can feel his breath warm against her face and she decides there is only one way to see if there will ever be more than a bond in paper between them. She moves her face towards his, closing the gap completely and locking her lips with his. He responds almost inmediately, moving his mouth against hers, snaking one of his arms around her waist, pressing her closer against him. Her whole body is in extasis and she lets out a disappointed sound as he separates his face from hers completely. He looks at her in for a second, still catching his breath before saying "I do not want you to do this because you feel it is your duty".

She has to surpress both the urge to laugh and to slap him in the face before saying "Do I really look like someone about to fullfill an unpleasant duty?"

It is enough for him to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for your amazing comments you guys rock!


	4. ( naked souls )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya I know you guys hate me

When he wakes up his head is buried in her neck and one of her curls is tickling his nose. He had never woken up with someone in his arms before, the girls he had shared beds with he hadn't actually shared beds with him, rather than walls or dirty floors. And with Alexander it was faster and safer and even more of a secret and their back would be turned on each other the moment they were satisfied, as if they were ever satisfied.

_He had not intended to be intimate with her, forcing her into a marriage was enough, he would not force her into anything else she did not desire, he would give her control over what happened during their wedding night. That was the plan but then she had asked him to unlace her corset, and her naked body had the same effect on him that her naked mind did, it drew him in, pulled him towards her slowly, until he was was close enough that she could make her lips clash against his. And her lips had tasted like conversations about politics next to a dying fire, like her face when she talked about women's rights, like her hand against his when he could not bear to look at Alex, like the wind in his neck when he told her about abolitionism. He was not in love with her but was is in love with how her lips felt on his and that was a lot more than he had expected with his marriage_.

Angelica wakes only a few minutes after he does, he feels her stir in his arms and then freeze completely, as if unsure about what to do; it has a calming effect on him, knowing that the mighty Angelica is as diffident as him about the entire situation. And then the insecurity vanishes from her and she turns around to look at him, his arm still draped over her waist.

"Did you sleep well?" She asks, no uncertainty in her voice, as if they had woken up by each other for years.

"Marvelously" he says, buring his face back in her neck "What about you, Mademoiselle Schuyler?"

She laughs and he can feel her throat vibrating against his nose "It is Madame now and Laurens rather than Schuyler" He feels a pang of guilt at being the one to rob her of the surname that connected her to her sisters "Besides, I think it is proper for my husband to call me Angelica".

"It is both proper and fitting" and it truly is angelical, the sight of her figure against the white sheets, the morning sun reflecting on her brown skin. That makes her laugh again and it makes him wonder if she thinks he is joking. After all he had never told her she was beautiful before, he supposed she knew, it seemed obvious to him. He makes a promise to himself that he will tell her at some point. Instead he stands up and moves to retrieve his pants from the floor. "We should head downstairs, your family awaits us".

She works fast, fetching a dress and underclothes, and she calls to him nearly in the same position she did the previous night. "Care to redo what you undid last night, husband?" He moves towards her, mimicking his own movements from the night before and presses a soft kiss to her shoulder before going back to dressing himself. She braids her hair and she puts a lace around his before they reunite at the door. He offers his arm and she rests her hand on his elbow and they leave the room together.

 

-

 

Everyone is in the dining room when they arrive, smiles plastered on their faces. As soon as they are done eating Eliza loops her arm around hers and walks towards the other room, calling over her shoulder "Excuse us Laurens, she was my sister before she was your wife. I will return her to you soon". As soon as they are out of everyone's sight Eliza lets out a childlike giggle and almost runs towards her room, dragging Angelica along with her. She closes the door, leaning agains it and sighs before looking at Angelica. "You need to tell me everything".

Angelica shakes her head fondly and looks at her sister's dreamy expression "What do you want to know?"

"What was it like? I've heard... I've heard some women say it is painful. Is it?" Angelica would laugh at the rubor on her sister's cheeks if she was not blushing herself. "It is not painful, not at all. On the contrary, it is quite pleasant, warm, tingly".

Eliza blushes even more and Angelica lets out a giggle. "How was Laurens?" Angelica rolls her eyes before saying playfully "That's quite an indiscreet question, young lady. Now shush, don't ask more questions. You will see it for yourself in just a few weeks". With Alexander, the same man who would so easily turn his back on her sister when given the chance, she would have to keep an eye on him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things:  
> 1.- Enjoy this because this is the last thing before everything goes to shit  
> 2.- Updates will be maximum twice a week now bc uni starts on monday yay (not yay actually, fuck my life is more like it)  
> 3.- This was super short but I swear there was no other way I could cut this chapter it's just kind of a transition thing that kind of exists

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so I would really appreciate it if you would let me know if I made any mistakes. Feedback and comments give me actual life I swear.  
> Also I am totally up to be criticized here so if there is something /just wrong/ please tell me.  
> Find me on tumblr at angelicaschuylerrs.tumblr.com (give me loooooove)


End file.
